


Only My Heart Knows My Head Is Lying, Lying

by emmalinerosette



Series: girlpanic! [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Coming Out, F/F, Femslash February, Genderswap, girlverse, lesbrencer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-12-03 18:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmalinerosette/pseuds/emmalinerosette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>aka The Five Times Brenda Urie Had A Sexual(ity) Crisis While Shooting A Music Video And The One Time She Did Not</p><p>Special thanks to Sally for being my partner in crime and drawing me the cutest pictures of my favorite girls!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only My Heart Knows My Head Is Lying, Lying

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bloodinalovesong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodinalovesong/gifts).



> Based on Sally's girlverse headcanon. Spencer, Brendon, and Pete have always been girls and Brendon is Brenda. Canon-wise, everything is based in one way or another on music videos or the behind-the-scenes videos of the music videos.

1\.  I Write Sins Not Tragedies  
  
Brenda and Spencer find themselves in the ladies dressing room with the Lucent Dossier dancers around five in the morning. They settle  into make-up chairs as the dancers roll on pantyhose, clip garters, and lace corsets up. The dancers attend to themselves as Brenda and Spencer go through hair and make-up. Brenda stares wide-eyed at the reflection in the mirror of a girl in a pink corset sitting on the lap of another dancer to paint her lips bright red, their faces inches apart, the girl in the pink corset making the other girl laugh every so often as she speaks in low, private tones.  
“Stop squirming, please,” Brenda’s own make-up artist says as Brenda adjusts in her seat for the thousandth time.  
“Do you have to pee or something?” Spencer asks. Spencer is long done with her make-up because she gets to dress in a hobo outfit like the rest of the band.  
“Uh, yeah?” Brenda is a _master_ of subterfuge.  
“Well, go before you put on your costume, okay?”  
A crewmember sticks her head in the door to the dressing room and shouts that there are five minutes to filming. Brenda stands up as the hair and make-up artists admire their work.  
“I’ll take it with me and change in the bathroom,” says Brenda, grabbing her red coat and slacks off the nearly empty costume rack. She squeezes past a few scantily clad dancers doing warm-up stretches as she escapes to the bathroom down the hall, blushing beneath the heavy make-up.  
  
  
2\.  But It’s Better If You Do  
  
Brenda slides down to the floor with her back against the door and pulls her Sidekick out of her hoodie jacket. It’s still crazy to her that she has Pete Wentz on speed-dial, but she does and she hopes Pete really meant it when she said Brenda could call her at any time.  
“Hello?”  
“Pete, hi. Sorry, I know it’s early but I mean, were you asleep? You probably weren’t. I’m sorry.”  
“Hey, calm down. I was awake. What’s up?”  
“I...” Brenda screws her eyes shut. “It’s stupid.”  
“Brenda, talk,” Pete orders in a weirdly reassuring tone. “Is this about the music video?”  
“It’s just. I saw the treatment, I agreed to it, I even like it, it’s just. The very first scene we’re shooting today is in the Seduction Room and I have to give some guy a lapdance and kiss him and I’ve not even met him yet and my costume is really... tiny... and I mean, I guess I’m freaking out a little?”  
Pete _hmmm_ ’s and Brenda hears movement from the other end of of the line. “So if you knew this was part of the script, what’s got you freaked out now?”  
“I don’t know, just. Everyone’s going to be watching me and I don’t know how to give a lap dance and they’re all going to see me rubbing on this guy or whatever. I... I mean, my parents could see this.”  
“Oh, this is really about that then.”  
“Yeah, kind of,” Brenda says miserably, curling her knees up to her chest. Pete already knows about the show her dad came to back in Vegas on the last tour. Pete knows Brenda’s family is just starting to talk to her again. Pete knows what it means to her. “My mom’s going to think I’m such a slut.” The line is quiet. “Pete?”  
“I’m here, I’m just trying to think of how to say this.” Pete sighs. “The thing is, I can’t control what your parents think about you, and you can’t really either. You tried, remember? And you’re playing a character, Bren. That won’t be you giving a lap dance, it will be a character you’re playing. A struggling musician-slash-stripper in a speakeasy, okay?”  
“Okay.”  
“Your parents aren’t dumb. They can tell the difference between you and a character.” Pete pauses. “ You know I love you, but you’re not like an award winning actor, man.”  
That surprises a laugh out of Brenda. “Fuck you, I’m awesome.”  
“Yes, you are. Now, as to the whole lap dance thing. You know Shane, you know he’s cool, so just ask him exactly what he wants and you don’t have to do more than you’re comfortable with. He’ll get you through it.”  
“Right,” Brenda said, nodding and feeling better. “That makes sense.”  
“Good, now get out there before you’re late to your own video shoot.”  
“Thanks, Pete.”  
“Any time.”  
They say good-bye and hang up. Brenda brushes herself off and opens the supply closet door only to find Spencer leaning against the wall beside it.  
“Oh, uh.”  
“Hey,” says Spencer, pulling Brenda into a hug that she melts into. “It’ll be fine.”  
“Says you. You get to wear a suit,” Brenda mutters into Spencer’s shoulder.  
“Yeah, but I had to threaten to break Ryan’s neck and hide his eyeliner.”  
Brenda giggles and squeezes Spencer before backing up and squaring her shoulders. “Thank you.”  
Spencer rolls her eyes but smiles. “Whatever. Let’s go get our stupid hair and make-up done.”  
  
  
3\. Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off  
  
The fish tanks look cool, but they weigh only a little less than Brenda. They also only weigh a little less than Ryan, but Ryan wasn’t running around breakdancing and goofing off between takes like Brenda. Jon’s been her partner-in-crime: holding water bottle balancing contests, dancing with her, bumping into her with the wood frame. It feels like she’s been pulled into his center of gravity all day long, spinning in circles around him. They played a show last night, flew in one day only to shoot and they’re flying out again at dawn tomorrow to play another show. The point is, she’s exhausted by the last shot of the day, submerging the boy and girl in the video in bathtubs of freezing water.  
The band is lined up with everyone else out of frame to watch the poor, wet actors in the tubs as the director gets the shot he wants. Jon is beside Brenda and as she leans tiredly into his side he wraps and arm around her,so she wraps both of hers around his waist. It’s comfortable and they stay like that, even as the behind-the-scenes camera comes to get their final word on the shoot.  
“I’m tired,” says Jon, rubbing one of Brendon’s arms, “And uh, I’m gonna go home and tuck her in.”  
The camera moves on and Brenda stays where she is. “You’re gonna tuck me in?”  
Jon shrugs and she pulls back enough to see his tired grin. Out of the corner of her eye, Brenda sees Spencer walk away.  
  
  
4\. That Green Gentleman  
  
“Spencer!” Brenda whispers urgently from her place crouched at the corner of a wall, grabbing at the hem of Spencer’s dress as she passes.  
“What?” she whispers back, dropping down to crouch by Brenda.  
Brenda fights down her breathy giggles enough to point around the corner. “Behind-the-scenes is interviewing Mini-Ryan and he’s insulting Ryan’s fashion taste. Even the _scarf_!”  
Spencer bites her bottom lip but her smile still sneaks out on either side. Brenda’s breath catches a little, but Spencer doesn’t notice as she leans across Brenda to peak around the corner at Mini-Ryan.  
“I think I’m gonna buy that kid a candy bar,” Spencer says, sitting back and smiling full force.  
“Two candy bars.”  
“Come on.” Spencer stands up and pulls Brenda up with her, dragging her in the direction of the vending machines, not letting go of her hand. “We’ll get one for all of them.”  
  
  
5\.  New Perspective  
  
“I still can’t believe they picked this song. I totally liked the other one better.”  
Spencer leans back and glares at Brenda over the top of her sunglasses. “There’s a fucking lesbian scene in the movie, Bren. Of course they picked the song about going down on someone.”  
“Yeah, but--”  
“Speaking of going down on people, can you shut up long enough for me to finish this?” Spencer says, digging her fingers into Brenda’s thighs.   
Brenda squeaks but nods. Spencer has her coming inside of a minute with Brenda’s fingers tangled in Spencer’s hair. Brenda zips up and Spencer steps out of the stall to wash her hands afterwards.  
“You’re lucky we’re supposed to look messed up in the next scene,” Spencer comments, admiring her sex hair in the mirror.   
Brenda giggles.  
“What?”  
“Nothing, you just still have the sunglasses on.”  
Spencer shakes her head and sighs a long-suffering sigh. “You’re so weird.”  
“You like it.”  
“Well, yeah.”  
  
  
6\. The Overture  
  
Brenda and Spencer came up with the script, choosing the words as carefully as they had while writing the lyrics for their new album, fitting metaphors and themes and messages into the story. There are some quick on-set revisions to the dialogue to fit in the fact that half of the opening scenes are sunny and the other half are rainy, but otherwise, it’s all exactly as they planned.  
\--  
 _Brenda dances with a chained ballerina but fails to rescue her. Spencer pulls Brenda out the window to safety._  
 _“Your heart was in the right place. There was nothing you could have done for her.”_  
\--  
 _The group, led by Brenda and Spencer encounter the first obstacle. Brenda looks back on them all._  
 _“Guys, it’s okay. We’re gonna get through this.”_  
 _Spencer helps her tear the barrier down._  
\--  
 _The group is met by a line of policemen in riot gear, a fire blazing behind them._  
 _“We’re never gonna make it through with all this stuff.”_  
 _Brenda and Spencer look at each other and drop everything, but the rest of the group turns back, unable to let go._  
 _“You can’t save them. They have to save themselves.”_  
 _“I guess it’s just us then.”_  
 _“It always has been.”_  
\--  
When Shane sends them the final cut, Brenda and Spencer watch it together. Brenda bends herself down into Spencer’s lap as the flames fade to black in the final seconds of video. Spencer puts her arm around Brenda and runs a hand through Brenda’s short hair.  
“Do you like it?”  
Brenda nods against Spencer’s belly.  
“Are you worried? It’s pretty... overt.”  
“I’m a little worried, but not as much as I thought I’d be? They’ll either deal with it or they won’t. I’m proud of it. Of us.”  
Spencer smiles down at Brenda. “Me too.”


End file.
